Fear: I pushed the button to publish

Okay, so my last blog called, “Left Behind” just published and I could feel the air leave my lungs. Anyone else ever written and then heard the muffled voices of laughter and mocking as you sent it out to the web, knowing that these people don’t really know you and now they will judge you. Well, I’m there.

But maybe someone will log on tonight and understand what it is to feel left behind. It’s like making the discovery of the first light bulb but finding yourself in line back to buying candles because they turned the electricity off at your home.

My mind knows he’s gone, but my spirit is still connected to him. My heart hurts all the time and there’s this anxiety beneath my skin that keeps looking for a place to scream, but finding no escape.

I drive in my car or sit in my driveway and just sing or scream or cry as loud as I can because no one can hear me. No one can judge me for not moving on, for not being strong, for needing my best friend, my love, my darling to tell me it’s going to be okay.

So be merciful in your comments but do comment, please. It’s lonely in here and I need a few friends to offer a hand to hold. A kindred spirit that knows what it feels like when all has gone dark and everyone sleeps but I…just…weep. So weary, so very weary of going on alone.


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