“God, Help me, I can’t do this alone.” I know You are still there, even if I can’t see or hear you right now. My eyes are so swollen, I can’t really see anything right now. I went to see the movie, “The Fault In Our Stars” last night. Yes, I went so I could cry, so I could remember and so I could forget feeling so lost for a moment.
I cried because I’m not sure anyone will ever know the love story You’ve given me in the most wonderful person I ever met in my entire life. For those of you who’ve seen the movie, he was my hero.
He was all the things my Father had shown me a man should be and he wanted to be and was all those things. We shared the same passions in life and for one another. He always said they wouldn’t believe two old people like us (he was 62 and I am 52), could ever share the intimacy in the physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual ways we did.
He gave my life more than purpose. He chose me to love and I chose to love him, although he never required it. I finally found someone I could believe in and he never disappointed me. He just loved me and when I pointed out my flaws, he would just look at me and nod his head and say, “you don’t understand, beloved.” I love your soul. I love all that makes you who you are and I’m in love with the process of loving you.
Just so you know, I’m not the demure, quiet type. Nope, never been. I’m a fiery, opinionated, talkative, type A woman. He, however, saw the real me. The Father allowed him to open a door, I had closed a long time ago. I am not a stranger to pain. My earthly father was never really around. He was too busy living his own life until he died at 47. I turned 25 the day before his death. I got a glimpse of the man he was…disappointing. I endured the immaturity of his selfish pursuits that left a family alone and wanting.
At 5, I fell prey to hands of a sexual predator and I crawled inside. It served to hide the best parts of myself. I married, it failed and inflicted more pain before it left.
I married again and he was kinder, simpler and yet never really looked beneath the surface to find…ME! I met my Beloved 14 years ago. He was my teacher, my friend, and eventually, my sweetheart. He never asked for anything but my friendship, but he gave everything. We bantered like two old cronies over some bible topic, we sang together, playing dueling guitars every time he decided at the last minute to change it up, we laughed always and he had a way of laughing at me that made it okay to laugh at myself. We spent many days together writing, rewriting and always learning new things.
I really never thought guys had tender sides and that the little things didn’t really get their attention but he was different.
He’d notice the newest perfume, the smallest earring or the slightest change in tone, when he’d ask me to sit on his lap and I’d curl up there and cry.
There are many strong women in the world that just want to be able to trust someone enough to open the door to a stronghold they created to protect themselves but that ended up imprisoning them within its clutches. He persevered to find a way through it and allowed me the freedom to step into his light and find only love there. We both loved to create a world where others could feel loved because we knew the pain of living within ourselves without much love at all.
So tonight, it’s personal. He’s gone home and I am left alone to carry the message forward about the kind of love the really is eternal, but how? Who is out there that still believes that’s possible? Who wants to believe there’s a soul mate out there…just ONE perfect one for them. No one waits anymore. They want it now. Pain and Disillusion has created a mindset that is not patient, not hopeful, and only desperate to stop the pain. I do not have that option. The pain is a reminder that I have been loved and that I have loved. Nonetheless, it is painful and as the movie so stated last night, “Pain demands to be felt.” But I offer this, LOVE also demands to be heard so that it may manifest the greatest light in such darkness. Is anyone out there that still believes true love, eternal love, still abides.
It is that love that was given to me that will cause me to push forward like a fire ravaging the next line of trees, burning up all oxygen to fuel a conflagration visible from all universes and yet so compact it can be held within a heart, broken, alone and praying for a voice to call its name, hold its hand, kiss its mouth just one more time so that the heart can remember why it continues to live on in the darkness when it has been left behind in a blizzard that robs one of vision, warmth, direction. Where is my Beloved?