Last week I faced physical pain and heartache that kept me from meeting some social obligations. People inquired where I was and sent good wishes, but one person emailed me with words of disappointment that I had not met their expectations, their invitation and that they couldn’t deal with my depression.
For those of you following, I lost my beloved of 15 years 4 months ago and my birthday in September and now the upcoming holidays have kept me in a whirlwind of foggy days and restless nights as I trod uphill through mountains of bills, valleys of loneliness and reality that all has changed.
My daughter replied, when I told her,”How petty”. I said that my flesh hurt for her, which my daughter promptly replied with a “Humphf!” I said, this lady struggles with depression and drinks to deal with it. She has led a long life with many exciting turns but all she wanted was her children. Her son was injured in an accident at 17 and long story short, she has waited 27 years to get him back. Court battles and the realities of never having grandchildren or enjoying the children she had, has left her lonely and negligent perhaps. Her pain has left her sensitive to the pain of others but unfortunately also overwhelmed by the pain of others. My loss is like a tree falling on her and I understood that.
My daughter’s response is because she has seen us minister to so many and yet not much return compassion. I have learned not to expect that from others, but I must admit at this particular time in my life, it does hurt. I do struggle. I have little energy for the pain of others as I nurse my own wounds. I forgive and I love. It is not easy, but seeing the pain of others stirs within me a greater pain. The pain that many do not know the Giver of Life as I do and even though I walk through a valley so dark now, I know He is on the other side. I know He walks with me. I know He loves me. So I have a greater friend who sees my pain, heals it and wraps His love around me. So I will go to her home tomorrow to share a wonderful dinner with her and share that which He has given me…grandchildren, children, laughter and hope. It may not impact her life for long, but nonetheless, I will give that which has been given to me….love.
So for those of you who are finding yourselves alone amidst the frivolity of the holidays…I wish I could be there. I am there. My world changed 4 months ago, but when I am alone I will cry, hold myself and pray that I will be stronger tomorrow, sleep deeper tonite and dream of things that were, that are and that will be. So rest tonite and tomorrow….run toward the light, laugh, jump, smile and take a deep breath….and find someone who needs your love and love them!