So a couple of weeks ago, I went to visit the grave of my Beloved. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year and then again, it feels like a lifetime ago. My daughter and I painted some rocks worn smooth by time to commemorate the time he has been gone. My 2 grandchildren were with us and asked, “Is Papa coming down to visit us today?” My daughter replied, ” Papa’s in heaven. You won’t see him today, but he sees us and one day he will return.” They picked their favorite rocks and placed them on the mound which he now sleeps under.
It seems surreal that his body lays there and that we are separated by about 6 feet of dirt and yet by dimensions of time that we cannot yet cross through. Can a hole in the ground hold a heart that was bigger than the universe…a love larger than all the souls of men?
My daughter wept…for the man who gave her love, taught her about the real meaning of love, held her, wept with her, encouraged her, taught her and never judged her. One who loved her boys and knew they would grow to be better men than the ones before them.
I wept with her for feeling inadequate to fill that void now left within her because the only man she really trusted to be truthful, unselfish, loving, kind and with a sense of humor that lit up a room. He loved her dry wit and understood her.
I wept for the memories I hold tight within a heart now broken and yet knowing he would admonish me for not living to my fullest and not allowing my face to shine before others and so I go on.
I struggle to write, to share all our Father gave us. I know the sun will shine and the pain will subside. I just miss my best friend holding my hand and reminding me how much my Father loves me and cares for me.
So I will go onward, looking for him in every full moon, every sunrise and sunset, every new bloom and the smell of fall in the air, the first snowflake, every song I sing and play, and every night I pray and wait to hear his voice, his encouragement, his love. For now, the echoes are what remain, but I remember always his last words every night to me…love still abides and it does.