So I began a journey 3 months ago, when I went to the endodontist to fix an infection in an old root canal.  They discovered my blood pressure was 245/145, which for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a stroke level blood pressure, referred to as hypertensive crisis.

I already care for my immigrant mother who is post stroke since 2004.  She went from a vibrant 66 year old to a right side paralytic, who no longer speaks.  Her response to music is there, but no words.  Having been illiterate most of her life, television is her only repose except for watching her great grandchildren bustle about her.

It’s taken 3 long months of bed rest and experimenting with meds to get me somewhat stable.  My family has endured months of spiraling emotions, schedule changing, and unexpected household challenges while I lay flat in an attempt to keep my pressure from exploding something in my head or my heart.

Something, however, did explode in my heart.


The vulnerability of laying bedridden and watching the sun rise and set while others hustled about me was tough for a type A person.

However, rest allowed me to grieve the loss of my beloved, less than 2 years ago.  That pain never really subsides, it remains much like my blood pressure…silent.

Occasionally, I find that the tears will emerge as a memory drifts in like a lone candle in the cold night and I find my heart chasing a beloved memory as the candle goes out and the momentary light fades into twilight, along with the brokenness of my heart.

My blood pressure medicaitons have left me with a lingering metallic taste in my mouth that makes food not as appealing, but the wanting, the hunger, remains.

I guess the loss of anything is like that.  I know the loss of my most special of friends has left me also wanting.

In life, there aren’t many people I have met that are actually real.  So much brokenness, pain, and fear.  It’s not the pain and problems I fear, but the fact that no one feels brave enough to talk about it, deal with it and hope for more.  I’ve been somewhat asleep the last couple of years. There is a black hole in my life since his passing, sucking all life, all I know as my universe into it.  I don’t lack the courage to stand again, even as the void left by losing the one who brought me sunshine and flowers, welcoming arms, and a love of life is worse than any pain I have yet endured.  Just tired.  Weary of searching for people with passion for life.

I am disillusioned by the ever-imposing truth that there isn’t anyone out there that is unafraid to be real, transparent, and vulnerable.

So as I searched for a way to make this overpowering taste of metal dissipate from my mouth, I found a pill, miraculin, in a product aptly named, Miracle Berry Fruit Tablets.  They make sour taste sweet!  I had seen a science special on it and now learned it is used with chemo patients to help their taste buds return to normal so they can eat.  For most of us, it turns the sour to sweet.  I’m hoping for anything to help me enjoy the foods I love, but it did make me ponder.

It sure would be nice it we could have such a pill for people, wouldn’t it?  For those who find life somewhat sour, depressing, lonely, and dark. it would be wonderful to savor life again and enjoy the sunlight, being alone, and highlights of life.  Just one pill.

Now, as a nurse. I know they make pills they claim can  bring more life, more joy, and just plain MORE than you feel right now; but somehow, the body knows.  It knows it’s not real.  It’s like the face they paint on “The Drummer Boy”.  It suffices to hide the pain, the illusion of great, without the reality.

My pills get here this weekend.  It’s snowing outside right now and I want to climb under my blanket, pull the covers over my head and pray that like spring,  the sun does shine after winter.  Hopefully, when I pull the blanket off, it will truly be warm and I will find the sun is shining again and the will to continue is present in the ground below, just waiting to push its way into the light and perhaps give one blossom to the world with an enduring aroma that inspires those who pass by to remember.  Just as the smell of pines reminds me of Christmases long ago, when as children we still have the naivete to believe in things we can’t see and await moments of reunion with family that has now long departed but still remembered.

I found that “miracle” pill long ago that has the capacity to leave the taste of wonder and joy and cloak the heart in the miraculous amidst a world of hypocrisy and disappointment.  It still abides.  It still holds true.  It is LOVE.    Only now, it has to span the place between this world and the next, but I still remember when its aroma was strong, its presence, close and its reality, present.







One Day With You Brings Me Back to …Love


So a couple of weeks ago, I went to visit the grave of my Beloved.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year and then again, it feels like a lifetime ago.  My daughter and I painted some rocks worn smooth by time to commemorate the time he has been gone.  My 2 grandchildren were with us and asked, “Is Papa coming down to visit us today?”  My daughter replied, ” Papa’s in heaven.  You won’t see him today, but he sees us and one day he will return.”  They picked their favorite rocks and placed them on the mound which he now sleeps under.

It seems surreal that his body lays there and that we are separated by about 6 feet of dirt and yet by dimensions of time that we cannot yet cross through.  Can a hole in the ground hold a heart that was bigger than the universe…a love larger than all the souls of men?

My daughter wept…for the man who gave her love, taught her about the real meaning of love, held her, wept with her, encouraged her, taught her and never judged her.  One who loved her boys and knew they would grow to be better men than the ones before them.

I wept with her for feeling inadequate to fill that void now left within her because the only man she really trusted to be truthful, unselfish, loving, kind and with a sense of humor that lit up a room. He loved her dry wit and understood her.

I wept for the memories I hold tight within a heart now broken and yet knowing he would admonish me for not living to my fullest and not allowing my face to shine before others and so I go on.

I struggle to write, to share all our Father gave us.  I know the sun will shine and the pain will subside.  I just miss my best friend holding my hand and reminding me how much my Father loves me and cares for me.

So I will go onward, looking for him in every full moon, every sunrise and sunset, every new bloom and the smell of fall in the air, the first snowflake, every song I sing and play, and every night I pray and wait to hear his voice, his encouragement, his love.  For now, the echoes are what remain, but I remember always his last words every night to me…love still abides and it does.


The Beauty of the Broken Place

Can there be beauty in the broken place?  I believe so for it calls for healing and for the One who is the Healer.  In the body, a break in the barrier of the skin’s protective layer signals an immediate call among the line of defense that sends warriors willing to lay down their lives by engulfing any invaders within themselves and exploding, thereby destroying the enemy and themselves.  Broken places also leave voids to be filled that we might not have allowed in our lives before.  Like the broken pieces in a kaleidoscope colliding together but thru the right lens, creating ever-changing beauty.

It was out of the broken place that God pulled Adam’s soul mate.  It is out of the broken placenta that life will emerge; fragile and hopeful..  It is out of the broken tomb that Christ arose and out a broken world that life still finds its way through the cracks left by those who take and rob and destroy.

It is why Yeshua came in the flesh, died, and rose again… to fix that which was broken.  Broken hearts, broken spirits, broken relationships, broken…people.

There will always be those who prey upon the innocence of others, upon their kindness, and use the God-given talents of others to make themselves higher.  BUT, there will also be those who choose to give kindness, love, and give their gifts to make the life of another a little bit brighter.

They are the ones who enter in when the arguments and beatings of others enrage them and they stand on the side of what is right, not what will gain political power for another.  The powers that be will always seek to turn us on one another so we do not see what they are really doing…division.  Division allows one to fight the other, to appear smarter, wiser, healthier, prettier, richer and better than another even when the opposite is true. They rob us of our power to give and place us in a frenzy of taking that is never satisfied.  They love the broken and profit in its pieces.

I went to see “Woman in Gold” this week and truly enjoyed seeing the “little guys” finally win.  But as the main character states, ” I thought it would somehow make things better” but it didn’t.  Evil men and women will always attempt to weary the ones doing good but perseverance pays off. It may not seem to reap today, but one day it will.

In the movie, the Nazi’s took over Austria and stole riches from those they believed to be not worthy of such things and referred to them as thieves of the motherland, but the real thief was themselves and those who stood idly by and allowed it.  Real thieves are always good at identifying or labeling another like themselves and they are believable, but if we are able to lay down the things that really don’t matter and lift up the things that bring life, we will see.

We will be broken, pushed down, and humiliated by those who find their courage in words and accusations and gather followings of weak people who need to feel empowered.  But sometimes, in the breaking, something else is broken that releases an inner power, we were unaware of…LOVE.

No not the mushy, romantic love movies portray but the kind of love that makes us persevere under trial and rise up when others push in to take and break.  This love does not find its motivation in hatemongers and division and does not also believe that toleration of social norms is meant to silence its voice.  This love speaks in its actions, its gentleness and at times its motherly outrage over the oppression of the weakest ones.

Light did not enter into the world, but broke thru the darkness of barrenness and filled the void left by the scars of a war fought without hands and filled it with its warmth, its brilliance so that we could see into the dark places and grow and encourage others to grow.

This light broke forth mighty waters, life that appeared dormant beneath a blank landscape and the broke off a part of itself to give life.  A seed that if allowed to grow would dominate the earth with its luminescence.  It gave its first born to tend to its creation, protect it and nurture it.

All this so that we would know who He is.  He broke His own heart to bring His children back to Himself and requested that which was closest to His heart to do the same.  And there was always one present who was a master at broken promises, broken hearts, broken spirits who would seek to aggravate the break between God and His creation.  But one day, his neck will be broken, too.  The first blows have already begun.

So when you sit down today and rest (I know, impossible right?).  When your broken body aches from toiling in the world, and your broken spirit just wants to pull the blanket over its head and weep, know that the One who keeps all your tears in a bottle is coming and desiring to reveal Himself in this brokenness and He will.

It does not mean the aches and pains will cease or the heart will not continue to have moments of grief, but He has a greater plan at work. Be patient and wait for He is near to the broken…hearted.

If we can ever break free of this flesh tabernacle we dwell within, then the spirit can rise up and seek its source of true life.  Let us run the race unencumbered by the flesh with all its emotions, reactions and will.  We can choose to break that habit and run freely in a world where so many are handcuffed to job, alliances, habitual choices that do not reap good.  Let us choose more wisely.

Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s

Tonight I finished my business taxes or schedule K’s which will be attached to my personal income tax. It would have been the ordinary tax time hassle, but this year it included a loss they don’t put on a line.

Today I said goodbye to the business my beloved and i worked so hard to establish. It was his dream to finally paint, sculpt and totally leave the corporate world behind.  We enjoyed a wonderful 2 1/2 years traveling around the country to comic cons and meeting interesting people, dining at interesting places and some of the usual dives, and conversation.

How do you write about a loss in your business due to the death of one so treasured?  How do numbers and lines compute the life of a person so much more valuable than the paper I recorded on?  His name on a line doesn’t do justice to the life he lived.

If love could be expressed in money…well, he died rich.  As for the inheritance, he left behind. Well, it too can’t be recorded except on the heart of the ones he loved. There will be continual loss every year and gains but not the kind the government can tax me for.  The tax is heavy though on the heart.

Going through receipts brings a flood of memories and tears.  Some great memories and some sad.  He was dying and I didn’t know it; suffering and willing to do so to be together and run our dream together.  If I had only known, I might have spent those last months working on other things. I have no regrets. We talked, laughed, cried, argued and loved each other and as I close yet another account, another chapter, I hear him.  …
“.if I died tonite, I would be a happy man!”  He lived. He loved and he left an endearing legacy for me to walk in. I will always remember these very special years I was able to celebrate and see his dreams come true and remember his gift of laughter and love.  Goodnight Beloved, until we meet again our love still abides.

No Weapon Forged Against You Will Prosper`

Isaiah 54:7:

No weapon that is formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, says the LORD.

I have a friend who carries a concealed weapon pretty much all the time and we got into a conversation last night about leaving his gun at home for 24 hours.  He is a careful, cautious young person and his family is used to carrying guns. His grandfather is a gunsmith.  They reload their own bullets and support the right to “bear arms”.  He has been so helpful the last few months to teach us about guns and ammo after I got my conceal to carry license.

We live about 40 miles from any civilization and really carry guns because of the 4-legged trespassers than the 2-legged ones.  He and I got in a discussion about what would happen if he forgot his gun for 24 hours.  I say this, one, because I forgot my purse at Starbucks last month and my gun and phone were in it. I was so concerned someone would find it and misuse it.

He said he had forgotten his for a few hours the other day and he did panic about how he would protect he and his mother if someone accosted them.  I said, “if we are believers then shouldn’t we be just as comfortable without a gun as with one?”  He said, he hadn’t really thought about it in spiritual terms.

A long discussion continued between us as I said that in the “church”, I found many who said the Word of God wasn’t always applicable to this generation or that particular parts are for the chosen ones. As if in Christ there are chosen and unchosen ones.  We all exist and live because of covenants made with God by those who came before and by the One who laid down his life.  My friend and I discussed the scene in the garden of Gethsemane where Yeshua heals the ear of a soldier after Peter slashes it off.  We agreed that wisdom in this generation prompts us to be aware of our surroundings with shootings and violence here in America and abroad.

If any of you haven’t seen “China Cry”, you should. It speaks to the miraculous hand of God moving even in modern times.  There are many other examples, but it’s a good one.

Do we really believe our God is still there and active in our lives?  Do we ask Him permission for the big things as well as the small?  Do we hear Him?  So Friday, my friend will travel without his gun and no music…just waiting and listening to see what God has in store.  We’ll see what happens.

So in reference to the above Scripture…if we are without physical weapons or strength, will His Word be true?  Is it true when He says not by power of might but by my Spirit says the Lord.  Our battles are never really flesh and blood are they? So if we do not sharpen our sword of Truth, is it really God’s fault or ours for not trusting and believing when the test comes?  What do you think? Better yet, what do you do?

Love Cries Out for Those Who Have Ears to Hear

There seem to be so many definitions of love today and definitely love is manifested in diverse ways.  If God is love and love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; [a]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails;

Then  it  must follow that God is all these things and that He, also, never fails.  But in a world so confused, perverted from His original purpose and with the ability to choose its own path, Love appears to struggle in it’s manifestation.

We look for identities still in what we do, who we know and how many are on the same path as we are.  Paul states in the Word that we should imitate him as he imitates the one he follows.  Can we say the same?

Throughout the years I have run across many people in the world who have a bad opinion of so-called believers and their actions and words.   And in the same conversation, they will tell me that I’m different from the other “christians” they’ve met.

There was a time when I would have embraced the term, “Christian”. I am not opposed to others using the term, but I prefer to tell them I have one Father, one Messiah, and I follow the way His Word teaches.  I go where and when he says, Go and I leave when He says , “Leave”, but I always present myself as loving in the way my Father also loved and His Son.
I know not everyone who calls themselves, “Christians” defines themselves the same way, but shouldn’t our actions speak loudly of the love and forgiveness we have received.  There is much in the world that is not love, but is defined as such.  I cannot speak for the actions of another, but only for my own.  I pray we all take time to examine ourselves and the walk we choose and the One we claim to serve and be sure that all agree before others call us ‘hypocrites’ and condemn not only us but the One we claim to serve.  To be persecuted for righteousness sake does not mean because we think we are right and others disagree that we are persecuted; not to say, there aren’t times when we are right in the eyes of God and others persecute us for having the audacity to speak His truth in the midst of a dark generation.

The Gathering Around the Table

Many years ago a man would gather with his friends for a dinner…his last dinner with them.  Among them would be a deceiver, a betrayer, a doubter, young, old, men and women.  He would take a path few desire and even fewer choose.  He would set the example as one who serves, offers…loves.

This year my family will gather but there will be a space at the table and a heart beat that skips for the ones who are not with us.  I always longed for a family, for reunions, for memories of loved ones seated together in love, respect, and gratitude.  I pursued it by creating it for others…that which I did not have in my own life.  When I had a family of my own, I opened the door to those who found themselves alone, lonely, hoping for the same thing…to be included.

I am grateful for so very many things in my life and I thank God for all He has done in my life; loss, birth, friendship, adversity, joy, pain, tears, sleep, and hope.  I grieve, however, for the attitudes I see in our country this week.  Some hope for a voice, others utilize the grieving of others as an opportunity to pulpit their perspectives with violence as if violence has ever caused anything more than pain and death for the sake of power for the few and momentary freedom for the many.

I do not know what the next year may bring, but I will endeavor to embrace those who have no connection, no family, no friend, and have lost hope of love.  I will do it with kindness, prayer, food, shelter, and love.  There will always be those who differ in opinion and choose various ways of impressing that opinion on others with passionate pleas of prejudice backed with bullets and batons, but some of us will use the weapons of faith in love.

Many of us will gather tomorrow and amongst those present will be much the same as Yeshua faced.  We know the back stories in our own families, but still we seek connection–some for love, some out of respect, some to look proper, some hoping to reconnect, to resolve, to forgive and forge a stronger connection, a stronger future.  May we find strength and may prayers be answered for hope and a future that is brighter than today and that will not be eclipsed by hatred, strife, and jealousies.  How blessed it is when brethren dwell in unity together.

Who Are You…..Cinderella?

First podcast.  Would like your comments or any ideas it stirs up.  The beginnings of God’s love story…It’s a peek into how He made us and what we’re looking for as women.

Great Author: James Owen from Coppervale Studios

Didn’t know how to link this, but I subscribe to James Owen and am reading his Meditations Series. It is really inspiring and I would recommend it to all.  I personally met him in Salt Lake City at a ComicCon and he is truly a sensitive, intuitive writer who shares some life-changing ideas in his writing.  So check him out on Facebook or his website.  The writing below is from his email subscription:  The Signal. It’s free so go take a look.

The difficult I’ll do right now. The impossible will take a little while.” — Billie Holiday.

Sometimes, the reason impossible takes a little while is because you’re going to make mistakes. Others will see it, and to them, the mistakes — especially the epic ones — are proof that whatever it is is clearly impossible, and your continuous efforts as evidence you are clearly bonkers. Sometimes, it seems the reverses you encounter and the obstacles in your way are utterly insurmountable. And it is in those moments where there is only one thing that can redeem all of your failures and make the impossible achievable: your belief that it is.

If you believe, and keep striving to progress, then miracles become possible. The impossible is only impossible until it happens — at which point it seems to have been inevitable, to everyone. Believing in something when it’s all going swimmingly is easy. It’s no burden to be optimistic when there are no obstacles in front of you. But being optimistic and hoping and believing when everything seems to be crashing around your ears is when it matters most.

Fear and faith require the same effort: belief in something that’s possible. But you can only believe in one of them at a time. Which you choose is what will determine whether your future is one of miracles, or of missed opportunities and regret. And it is never too late to choose to believe in miracles.

— James A. Owen

Why do we follow?

Elections are coming soon and everyone’s beginning to divide into groups, but why?  I know there is good and evil that will be accomplished on both sides but I can’t help but recall a scripture in I Corinthians 3:3..”for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men? ”

Perhaps it is apathy or perhaps a renewed sense of what is important and what is not so important that drives me to write today.  Each one follows their own conscience, but maybe it is not based on the One we are supposed to follow, but instead on the one(s) we follow right now.

I am not arguing whether it is right to vote or not, but do we really know those we are giving our vote to or do we just know what they say right now, and we agree for that moment to follow.  Does it make us ‘feel’ more powerful when we are a part of a group, particularly the group slated to win?

I went through my blog roll and read a post, “Arise” on Beautiful Life with Cancer.  I felt like that today…clawing my way from underground, looking for the Light…not just light that makes me know there is darkness but Light that pushes away the darkness.

My mindset today has definitely been one of grieving.  Having lost my beloved almost 4 months ago, I look for hope, for someone with a Word of encouragement, and earlier today, I only found blogs, not on WordPress, but Hubpages that just seem to present knowledge, a viewpoint, but in the comments, I see strife.

Forgive my naivete.  I know there are all kinds of bloggers out there.  I know my own blog will probably be labeled crazy by someone one day, too.  I will persevere as I know others do, truly hoping someone sees what my Father has given me and that it is intended in love.  But, all I found today was knowledge and it grieved me.  I have my own opinions and they are just that…mine, but I wasted about 2 hours reading the bantering exchange of people claiming they had this greater knowledge of God and yet bowing low to subtly, yet scholastically, tear down the beliefs of another (stupid me, waste of time).

Many of us have beliefs and they are just that if they do not affect the world in a better way, a positive way.  Peeling back the curtain that veils us can be painful, but I’m not sure it serves well to leave others naked and “ashamed”.  Where is LOVE?  I am sure it is still here, for God is still here.

Please tell me Father that there are those content to praise You for life and leave the judgment to You.  The blog I was reading wasn’t as bad as some I have seen…all believing in the same God, but forgiveness seemed to be lacking.  The fact that all are learning is good but perhaps they have forgotten how gentle God was to lead us into His truth; sometimes, God’s revelation is only for you and not to be shared with others.  Sometimes a blog announces that the author is using it as a vehicle to express themselves and I believe that is good; my hope is that in expressing itself, it does not encourage differences to breed hatred and division by proclaiming I’m better, been here longer and you …are…not.

I’m not saying I think everyone can live in harmony, but my heart truly grieves to see how the world grows so dark at times and darkness seems to cover.We partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but never finding wisdom.  Like a drowning man, all looking for a way out of a bad place and willing to climb over and push down anything just to keep ourselves on the top of the water.  Anyone willing to lay down their life, their opinion, their right to be right and just love someone? Not because they are lovely, not because they believe as we do, and not because they deserve it but purely because God saw fit to give them life and as a vessel of His love. I am greater and He in me is greater, when I choose to pray for others and pray for myself when I do not understand how a Father continues to love such selfish, broken vessels as I am and see in my world daily.

So Caroline, if you read this, thank you for the gift of sharing yourself, your weaknesses, your strength in Him and inspire hope in a world that seems to prefer living underground than in the light.  May there continue to be those who are pure and full of light in such a dark time as we are living in.  Thank you.  Someone….please, stand up and let me know you follow the One who has always loved and still resurrects broken, lost souls today!  Keep going you precious ones who fight for life today, through afflictions, persecutions, and feeling like myself today…alone.  I know He has others out there…so let me hear your voice.