Tag Archive | alone

Find Me

lost-word-art

“Beloved,” she whispered, as the moon began its arch in the night sky. “Are you there?, Can you see me?” I still feel you here with me. I sprayed the pillow with your cologne and for a moment, I remembered and I got lost in the joy you created in me.

“Papa, find me and take me to the arms of one who loved me like no other”. “I miss him, I miss his soul, his words, his heart like the desert misses rain.” She muffles the cries so no one will hear.

This journey has been so long and so full of pain and loneliness. And yet, even as I say it, I know One took the journey long ago and still walks that lonely path today. We look as ordinary as He did and so they pass us by. No one has ears to hear the screaming inside, “Please, find me”. “Love me like He does.” I look day and night and see only fleeting glimpses of a love I can no longer embrace and it leaves not only my arms but my heart so very empty.

You knew, didn’t you? The pain of loneliness and that it was and is,..not good. So you made, mankind. And, you also, were robbed by an enemy you knew. Dreams, hopes, desires…shattered. You found a way to restore and resurrect love again but endured the agony of knowing that light would again be extinguished. How long those days must have seemed. How long the ones I walk thru also seem.

I know joy will return one morning, but grief is there every morning I do not see his face, feel his touch or hear his voice. Perhaps, his prayer is the same as mine…”find me”!

So I seek Your Face as I once did long ago and look for special gifts of love in your Word. I try to remember the joy I first felt when I met you and when you brought us together. I know there is an ember still desiring to burn in my spirit but it feels so dark. So as I curl up in this bed and pray for sleep to overtake me so that my mind can rest from its constant remembering, Receive my soul that I may break the barriers of time that hold me here. Let me see my beloved and feel his kiss, look into his eyes one more time, and then help me to run this race until it is finished.

And then, let me enter the arms of the one who proved to me that one can be a vessel of such beauty and love that it can fill the empty, dark, pain-filled places of my past and truly bring beauty from the ashes. Precious brother and beloved, come find your bride. I wait only for you and you alone.

I will live because of the life you gave me here. I will go where He calls and I will look for you everyday upon the mountain when the sun rises and when it sets and in my dreams, I will love you as you always loved me, wholeheartedly.

You taught me beloved the meaning of love by laying down your life and being so eager to fill me and express the words of love from our Father to me. You became the vessel that enabled me to hear all the love Yeshua desired to speak into me. I promised I would never leave you and so I shall fulfill that promise. And on the day you rise up first, come find me, beloved and call out my Name and I shall be one with you forever as we were promised. I will go our Father does, looking for the one lost sheep who is broken, afraid, and hurting and cradle them in His love and rejoice that He brought us together and if only once, one ordinary man loved one ordinary woman with an extraordinary love from above and it was and is and will be….VERY GOOD! xoxoxo

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Fear: I pushed the button to publish

Okay, so my last blog called, “Left Behind” just published and I could feel the air leave my lungs. Anyone else ever written and then heard the muffled voices of laughter and mocking as you sent it out to the web, knowing that these people don’t really know you and now they will judge you. Well, I’m there.

But maybe someone will log on tonight and understand what it is to feel left behind. It’s like making the discovery of the first light bulb but finding yourself in line back to buying candles because they turned the electricity off at your home.

My mind knows he’s gone, but my spirit is still connected to him. My heart hurts all the time and there’s this anxiety beneath my skin that keeps looking for a place to scream, but finding no escape.

I drive in my car or sit in my driveway and just sing or scream or cry as loud as I can because no one can hear me. No one can judge me for not moving on, for not being strong, for needing my best friend, my love, my darling to tell me it’s going to be okay.

So be merciful in your comments but do comment, please. It’s lonely in here and I need a few friends to offer a hand to hold. A kindred spirit that knows what it feels like when all has gone dark and everyone sleeps but I…just…weep. So weary, so very weary of going on alone.

LEFT BEHIND: A Prayer in the Dark

“God, Help me, I can’t do this alone.” I know You are still there, even if I can’t see or hear you right now. My eyes are so swollen, I can’t really see anything right now. I went to see the movie, “The Fault In Our Stars” last night. Yes, I went so I could cry, so I could remember and so I could forget feeling so lost for a moment.

I cried because I’m not sure anyone will ever know the love story You’ve given me in the most wonderful person I ever met in my entire life. For those of you who’ve seen the movie, he was my hero.

He was all the things my Father had shown me a man should be and he wanted to be and was all those things. We shared the same passions in life and for one another. He always said they wouldn’t believe two old people like us (he was 62 and I am 52), could ever share the intimacy in the physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual ways we did.

He gave my life more than purpose. He chose me to love and I chose to love him, although he never required it. I finally found someone I could believe in and he never disappointed me. He just loved me and when I pointed out my flaws, he would just look at me and nod his head and say, “you don’t understand, beloved.” I love your soul. I love all that makes you who you are and I’m in love with the process of loving you.

Just so you know, I’m not the demure, quiet type. Nope, never been. I’m a fiery, opinionated, talkative, type A woman. He, however, saw the real me. The Father allowed him to open a door, I had closed a long time ago. I am not a stranger to pain. My earthly father was never really around. He was too busy living his own life until he died at 47. I turned 25 the day before his death. I got a glimpse of the man he was…disappointing. I endured the immaturity of his selfish pursuits that left a family alone and wanting.

At 5, I fell prey to hands of a sexual predator and I crawled inside. It served to hide the best parts of myself. I married, it failed and inflicted more pain before it left.

I married again and he was kinder, simpler and yet never really looked beneath the surface to find…ME! I met my Beloved 14 years ago. He was my teacher, my friend, and eventually, my sweetheart. He never asked for anything but my friendship, but he gave everything. We bantered like two old cronies over some bible topic, we sang together, playing dueling guitars every time he decided at the last minute to change it up, we laughed always and he had a way of laughing at me that made it okay to laugh at myself. We spent many days together writing, rewriting and always learning new things.

I really never thought guys had tender sides and that the little things didn’t really get their attention but he was different.

He’d notice the newest perfume, the smallest earring or the slightest change in tone, when he’d ask me to sit on his lap and I’d curl up there and cry.

There are many strong women in the world that just want to be able to trust someone enough to open the door to a stronghold they created to protect themselves but that ended up imprisoning them within its clutches. He persevered to find a way through it and allowed me the freedom to step into his light and find only love there. We both loved to create a world where others could feel loved because we knew the pain of living within ourselves without much love at all.

So tonight, it’s personal. He’s gone home and I am left alone to carry the message forward about the kind of love the really is eternal, but how? Who is out there that still believes that’s possible? Who wants to believe there’s a soul mate out there…just ONE perfect one for them. No one waits anymore. They want it now. Pain and Disillusion has created a mindset that is not patient, not hopeful, and only desperate to stop the pain. I do not have that option. The pain is a reminder that I have been loved and that I have loved. Nonetheless, it is painful and as the movie so stated last night, “Pain demands to be felt.” But I offer this, LOVE also demands to be heard so that it may manifest the greatest light in such darkness. Is anyone out there that still believes true love, eternal love, still abides.

It is that love that was given to me that will cause me to push forward like a fire ravaging the next line of trees, burning up all oxygen to fuel a conflagration visible from all universes and yet so compact it can be held within a heart, broken, alone and praying for a voice to call its name, hold its hand, kiss its mouth just one more time so that the heart can remember why it continues to live on in the darkness when it has been left behind in a blizzard that robs one of vision, warmth, direction. Where is my Beloved?