Tag Archive | loneliness

Why do we follow?

Elections are coming soon and everyone’s beginning to divide into groups, but why?  I know there is good and evil that will be accomplished on both sides but I can’t help but recall a scripture in I Corinthians 3:3..”for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men? ”

Perhaps it is apathy or perhaps a renewed sense of what is important and what is not so important that drives me to write today.  Each one follows their own conscience, but maybe it is not based on the One we are supposed to follow, but instead on the one(s) we follow right now.

I am not arguing whether it is right to vote or not, but do we really know those we are giving our vote to or do we just know what they say right now, and we agree for that moment to follow.  Does it make us ‘feel’ more powerful when we are a part of a group, particularly the group slated to win?

I went through my blog roll and read a post, “Arise” on Beautiful Life with Cancer.  I felt like that today…clawing my way from underground, looking for the Light…not just light that makes me know there is darkness but Light that pushes away the darkness.

My mindset today has definitely been one of grieving.  Having lost my beloved almost 4 months ago, I look for hope, for someone with a Word of encouragement, and earlier today, I only found blogs, not on WordPress, but Hubpages that just seem to present knowledge, a viewpoint, but in the comments, I see strife.

Forgive my naivete.  I know there are all kinds of bloggers out there.  I know my own blog will probably be labeled crazy by someone one day, too.  I will persevere as I know others do, truly hoping someone sees what my Father has given me and that it is intended in love.  But, all I found today was knowledge and it grieved me.  I have my own opinions and they are just that…mine, but I wasted about 2 hours reading the bantering exchange of people claiming they had this greater knowledge of God and yet bowing low to subtly, yet scholastically, tear down the beliefs of another (stupid me, waste of time).

Many of us have beliefs and they are just that if they do not affect the world in a better way, a positive way.  Peeling back the curtain that veils us can be painful, but I’m not sure it serves well to leave others naked and “ashamed”.  Where is LOVE?  I am sure it is still here, for God is still here.

Please tell me Father that there are those content to praise You for life and leave the judgment to You.  The blog I was reading wasn’t as bad as some I have seen…all believing in the same God, but forgiveness seemed to be lacking.  The fact that all are learning is good but perhaps they have forgotten how gentle God was to lead us into His truth; sometimes, God’s revelation is only for you and not to be shared with others.  Sometimes a blog announces that the author is using it as a vehicle to express themselves and I believe that is good; my hope is that in expressing itself, it does not encourage differences to breed hatred and division by proclaiming I’m better, been here longer and you …are…not.

I’m not saying I think everyone can live in harmony, but my heart truly grieves to see how the world grows so dark at times and darkness seems to cover.We partake of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but never finding wisdom.  Like a drowning man, all looking for a way out of a bad place and willing to climb over and push down anything just to keep ourselves on the top of the water.  Anyone willing to lay down their life, their opinion, their right to be right and just love someone? Not because they are lovely, not because they believe as we do, and not because they deserve it but purely because God saw fit to give them life and as a vessel of His love. I am greater and He in me is greater, when I choose to pray for others and pray for myself when I do not understand how a Father continues to love such selfish, broken vessels as I am and see in my world daily.

So Caroline, if you read this, thank you for the gift of sharing yourself, your weaknesses, your strength in Him and inspire hope in a world that seems to prefer living underground than in the light.  May there continue to be those who are pure and full of light in such a dark time as we are living in.  Thank you.  Someone….please, stand up and let me know you follow the One who has always loved and still resurrects broken, lost souls today!  Keep going you precious ones who fight for life today, through afflictions, persecutions, and feeling like myself today…alone.  I know He has others out there…so let me hear your voice.

Advertisements

SEPARATION & BEGINNING AGAIN

I SIT ALONE AGAIN TONITE AS I HOLD ONE OF SIX PUPS BORN THE DAY MY BEST FRIEND DIED. THEY ARE FOUR WEEKS OLD NOW AND JUST BEGINNING TO WALK. LIFE ENDS HERE AND BEGINS HERE, HOW DO WE BEGIN AGAIN? HOW DOES THE FATHER APPROACH THE REMAKING OF CREATION AGAIN, KNOWING IT CAN POSSIBLY END IN HEARTACHE AND LONELINESS? DOES HE TAKE A CHANCE BECAUSE HE ALSO HAS NOT FOUND ONE LIKE HIMSELF WHO LOVES, WHO BESTOWS EQUALITY TO SOMETHING THAT COULD NEVER BE EQUAL TO HIM OTHERWISE?
BUT WHY BEGIN AGAIN? HOW MANY OF US HAVE FACED THIS SAME DILEMMA AFTER THE LOSS OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT IN OUR LIVES THAT THE ENERGY REQUIRED FOR SUCH AN ENDEAVOR ESCAPES US?
I BELIEVE THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS, GOD CREATED A UNIQUE PLACE AND TIME FOR THE MOST WONDEROUS IN ALL HIS CREATIONS. HE HAD CREATED BEFORE BUT WAS STILL ALONE IN HIS CREATION AND HE, THEREFORE, UNDERSTOOD THE LONELINESS ADAM FELT WHEN ALL OF CREATION WAS BROUGHT BEFORE HIM AND EACH GIVEN A NAME, BUT NO ONE WAS FOUND, LIKE HIM?
THERE IS NO ONE LIKE ME. HAVE WE NOT ALL SAID THAT AT SOME TIME IN OUR LIVES, EITHER BECAUSE OF REJECTION, LONELINESS OR HOPING THAT SOMEONE COULD HEAR OUR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND ANSWER THE UNSPOKEN DESIRE TO BE UNDERSTOOD?
HE ALLOWS HIMSELF TO BE SEPARATE FROM HIS CREATION BUT A PART OF IT ALSO. THIS GOD KNEW THERE WAS NO GOD LIKE HIM. THIS CREATOR EMBODIED LOVE AND EXPRESSED IT IN BOTH THE WRITTEN AND THE SPOKEN, BUT ENDEAVORED ONE STEP GREATER IN CREATING ONE WHO EMBODIED HIS TESTIMONY OF LOVE AND LAID DOWN HIS LIFE, HIS DEITY TO GIVE THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT OF LOVE….LIFE. THIS ONE WOULD GIVE US, HIS BELOVED, A VOICE, A RIGHT TO CHOOSE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.
i WAS FORTUNATE TO MEET AND LOVE ONE WHO WAS A VOICE THAT CRIED IN THIS WILDERNESS AND INTO THE DESERTS OF MY LIFE AND ENABLED ME TO WALK IN THAT LOVE. HE HAS RETURNED TO THE CREATOR OF LOVE BUT HIS VOICE STILL SINGS THROUGH ME. THE LOVE AND LIFE HE GAVE ME WILL BEAR FRUIT BECAUSE IT WAS GIVEN FREELY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND SO I BELIEVE HE WAS CREATED TO ALLOW ME TO OBTAIN THE FULLNESS OF LIFE THAT WITHOUT HIM WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE.
MAY I TOUCH THE LIVES OF OTHERS IN LOVE AS HE DID AND FIND SOME JOY IN LIVING THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE HERE WITH HIS WORDS IN MY HEART AND HIS LOVE FOR ME ENCOURAGING ME TO FINISH THE RACE WE BEGAN TOGETHER.

Tormented

Tonight

I write about a true life story of how those who serve the corruptor bring pain, suffering, hopelessness.  Tonight, I read my daughter’s blog on WordPress, http://www.paintbyletters.wordpress.com.  She is much more the talented writer than I. I would like to say it’s because she inherited something from me and unfortunately, a generational weakness that allowed her to fall into the same trap I did at her age.

Abuse is not just physical.  It leaves unseen marks within a person’s  spirit that many never see. It makes vulnerability a bad thing to be taken advantage of by others, seeking to devour the goodness in others and put them in the same pit these corruptOrs find themselves, so they can feel ‘worthy’ of the precious gifts of goodness and life  in those God has given.

27  years ago, I would find myself in the same position as my daughter.  Young, close to graduation from  college and married to a man that found his courage in alcohol and his self-esteem in various young women.  The fights and silence were typical of our life.  I had met him in junior high school when I was 13 and by 15 we were dating.  Coming from a divorced family and the oldest of 3, too many responsibilities, too little love.  I reached out…for the wrong one.  The one who would corrupt my ability to believe that I could begin again, that I could be loved, beautiful, strong.  In the 9 years with him, I would discover life could have lows I never dreamed of and highs I would find almost impossible to grasp.  I did what I thought good wives did…hold on…wait for him to change, but he only got worse.  My only power I felt was to control my life by refusing to have sex with him and it worked for quite a while until the night he decided it wouldn’t.  A long, week of studying for tests had taken its toll and he must have returned in the early morning, finding me asleep and vulnerable.  In the 80’s, to report rape by your spouse was not typically taken seriously and so I never told anyone. I bore my pain alone and the memories of child sexual abuse came flooding back into my life, with no way to control or anyone to hold onto, my world began to collapse.  We separated after that year and instead of celebrating my new freedom, I found myself in depression, suicidal, and alone.  I would survive, but a part of my would remain hidden for so very long; the best part of me…til now.

So go and read and know that corruptors always seek to take you down to their level and in almost imperceptible lines that you are imprisoned before you know you have been deceived; the Father watched over me, I would find my way out of prison, but remained imprisoned within myself; when my daughter entered into a relationship much like mine, I tried to warn her and she tells me now it wouldn’t matter because she was determined to do what she wanted…a good girl wanting to experience ‘life’ and finding instead…death.  But life would blossom within her and her child would be the impetus to bring forth a heart open to find good for herself and her child, with or without a partner.  Tormenters only seek to destroy life, jealous of what they see, what they perceive they never had or lost.  He sought to rob her but God gave life…and that life came to us all.  My mother, now paralyzed, voiceless after a stroke found life in a little one that laughs so heartily, tries with all his energy to do the ‘seal’ flop over to her silver table, hoping to pull it down before he’s caught.  He’s learned to nod his head side to side as he spits out his food as an objection to all forms of baby food that are intended to make green good…it isn’t.

So do not feel sorry for those of us who have survived….we lived on as a testimony to those who corrupt that there will always be a witness to their ugliness, one who will not be silenced by beating, cursing or loneliness.  One who no longer fear the dark or hide within the confines of lonely, dark places but resurrect from the wrappings of dirty, ugly, selfish hands and still hide within them the hope that does not disappoint and will yield the reality that ‘princes’ still exist and are good, and true and loyal, and strong, and looking for a princess, clothed in strength, humility, tenderness and vulnerability waiting to be loved, wanting to be loved, needing to be loved by one that is true of heart, pure and desiring to give love and receive it from another whose heart beats like their own.

Weep instead for those who will not feel the sun on their face in the morning, or the tenderness of a snowflake on their cheek, or the sound of a loved one saying goodnight and whose last moments were spent in agony, pain, humiliation, and desperation in being beat into submission to one who will find another like them when he/she destroys them.  Weep for the ones who will miss them, for a world that will not know them, and for the children they might have had that would have blessed a world so in need of love.  Tell someone you love them tonight. Hold them close. Kiss them. Whisper their name and be the reason they close their eyes in sleep, perhaps the last memory they will know…LOVE.