Tag Archive | LOSS

Holidays…ba humbug?!

Last week I faced physical pain and heartache that kept me from meeting some social obligations.  People inquired where I was and sent good wishes, but one person emailed me with words of disappointment that I had not met their expectations, their invitation and that they couldn’t deal with my depression.

For those of you following, I lost my beloved of 15 years 4 months ago and my birthday in September and now the upcoming holidays have kept me in a whirlwind of foggy days and restless nights as I trod uphill through mountains of bills, valleys of loneliness and reality that all has changed.

My daughter replied, when I told her,”How petty”.  I said that my flesh hurt for her, which my daughter promptly replied with a “Humphf!”  I said, this lady struggles with depression and drinks to deal with it.  She has led a long life with many exciting turns but all she wanted was her children.  Her son was injured in an accident at 17 and long story short, she has waited 27 years to get him back. Court battles and the realities of never having grandchildren or enjoying the children she had, has left her lonely and negligent perhaps.  Her pain has left her sensitive to the pain of others but unfortunately also overwhelmed by the pain of others.  My loss is like a tree falling on her and I understood that.

My daughter’s response is because she has seen us minister to so many and yet not much return compassion.  I have learned not to expect that from others, but I must admit at this particular time in my life, it does hurt. I do struggle.  I have little energy for the pain of others as I nurse my own wounds.  I forgive and I love.  It is not easy, but seeing the pain of others stirs within me a greater pain.  The pain that many do not know the Giver of Life as I do and even though I walk through a valley so dark now, I know He is on the other side. I know He walks with me.  I know He loves me.  So I have a greater friend who sees my pain, heals it and wraps His love around me.  So I will go to her home tomorrow to share a wonderful dinner with her and share that which He has given me…grandchildren, children, laughter and hope. It may not impact her life for long, but nonetheless, I will give that which has been given to me….love.

So for those of you who are finding yourselves alone amidst the frivolity of the holidays…I wish I could be there.  I am there.  My world changed 4 months ago, but when I am alone I will cry, hold myself and pray that I will be stronger tomorrow, sleep deeper tonite and dream of things that were, that are and that will be.  So rest tonite and tomorrow….run toward the light, laugh, jump, smile and take a deep breath….and find someone who needs your love and love them!

SEPARATION & BEGINNING AGAIN

I SIT ALONE AGAIN TONITE AS I HOLD ONE OF SIX PUPS BORN THE DAY MY BEST FRIEND DIED. THEY ARE FOUR WEEKS OLD NOW AND JUST BEGINNING TO WALK. LIFE ENDS HERE AND BEGINS HERE, HOW DO WE BEGIN AGAIN? HOW DOES THE FATHER APPROACH THE REMAKING OF CREATION AGAIN, KNOWING IT CAN POSSIBLY END IN HEARTACHE AND LONELINESS? DOES HE TAKE A CHANCE BECAUSE HE ALSO HAS NOT FOUND ONE LIKE HIMSELF WHO LOVES, WHO BESTOWS EQUALITY TO SOMETHING THAT COULD NEVER BE EQUAL TO HIM OTHERWISE?
BUT WHY BEGIN AGAIN? HOW MANY OF US HAVE FACED THIS SAME DILEMMA AFTER THE LOSS OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT IN OUR LIVES THAT THE ENERGY REQUIRED FOR SUCH AN ENDEAVOR ESCAPES US?
I BELIEVE THAT IS ONE OF THE REASONS, GOD CREATED A UNIQUE PLACE AND TIME FOR THE MOST WONDEROUS IN ALL HIS CREATIONS. HE HAD CREATED BEFORE BUT WAS STILL ALONE IN HIS CREATION AND HE, THEREFORE, UNDERSTOOD THE LONELINESS ADAM FELT WHEN ALL OF CREATION WAS BROUGHT BEFORE HIM AND EACH GIVEN A NAME, BUT NO ONE WAS FOUND, LIKE HIM?
THERE IS NO ONE LIKE ME. HAVE WE NOT ALL SAID THAT AT SOME TIME IN OUR LIVES, EITHER BECAUSE OF REJECTION, LONELINESS OR HOPING THAT SOMEONE COULD HEAR OUR INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND ANSWER THE UNSPOKEN DESIRE TO BE UNDERSTOOD?
HE ALLOWS HIMSELF TO BE SEPARATE FROM HIS CREATION BUT A PART OF IT ALSO. THIS GOD KNEW THERE WAS NO GOD LIKE HIM. THIS CREATOR EMBODIED LOVE AND EXPRESSED IT IN BOTH THE WRITTEN AND THE SPOKEN, BUT ENDEAVORED ONE STEP GREATER IN CREATING ONE WHO EMBODIED HIS TESTIMONY OF LOVE AND LAID DOWN HIS LIFE, HIS DEITY TO GIVE THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT OF LOVE….LIFE. THIS ONE WOULD GIVE US, HIS BELOVED, A VOICE, A RIGHT TO CHOOSE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.
i WAS FORTUNATE TO MEET AND LOVE ONE WHO WAS A VOICE THAT CRIED IN THIS WILDERNESS AND INTO THE DESERTS OF MY LIFE AND ENABLED ME TO WALK IN THAT LOVE. HE HAS RETURNED TO THE CREATOR OF LOVE BUT HIS VOICE STILL SINGS THROUGH ME. THE LOVE AND LIFE HE GAVE ME WILL BEAR FRUIT BECAUSE IT WAS GIVEN FREELY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND SO I BELIEVE HE WAS CREATED TO ALLOW ME TO OBTAIN THE FULLNESS OF LIFE THAT WITHOUT HIM WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE.
MAY I TOUCH THE LIVES OF OTHERS IN LOVE AS HE DID AND FIND SOME JOY IN LIVING THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE HERE WITH HIS WORDS IN MY HEART AND HIS LOVE FOR ME ENCOURAGING ME TO FINISH THE RACE WE BEGAN TOGETHER.